Abby, Isabella and Mel

Parenting in Shared Lives

Abby had always planned on having children – even though her family, who she lived with, didn’t know it! When Abby’s daughter Isabella was born, it could have been the happiest moment of her life, but the maternity nurses noticed that Abby’s autism meant she was struggling, and they needed to let somebody know.

Pretty soon, Abby was being visited by a bewildering variety of professionals – talking about what would happen to her and her baby.

“It was very daunting, and stressful,” said Abby. A child protection order was made, and Abby had to comply with lots of rules, regulations, and instructions – or she faced going to a secure unit with Isabella, or even losing her altogether and having her placed in care.

“Different people would tell me different things and move the goalposts.”

The shifting, conflicting and confusing instructions were impossible to follow, and almost set Abby up to fail as a new mum.

Her family and stepfamily worked long hours, and Abby knew she wouldn’t be able to get the support she needed at home. But she was given hope when she learned about her local Shared Lives scheme and found that there was another way – moving in with a Shared Lives carer. Her Shared Lives worker introduced her to Mel. Mel had worked in social care for a long time and was passionate about working with children.

She said: “By chance, my next-door neighbour became a Shared Lives carer, and I’d seen how they lived with the person they supported and thought it looked great.

I became their support carer. When I found out that you could use Shared Lives to support a parent and baby, I jumped at the chance!”

“We met and got on straight away,” said Abby.

After meeting and choosing to work together, supported by their Shared Lives worker, Abby and Isabella moved in with Mel. The journey was challenging: Abby’s parenting was closely scrutinised and she had a deadline to prove that she could look after her daughter. Mel found that helping Abby to discover and develop her parenting skills, with the pressure of losing her daughter looming, wasn’t always easy.

“What I struggled most with was a sense of routine and time-keeping,” said Abby. Mel said: “It would be a case of constantly reminding and encouraging, like ‘Abby, it’s past half six now, will you get Isabella in the bath?”’

In her words, Mel didn’t enter into the arrangement “with rose-tinted glasses.” There were difficulties that even she hadn’t reckoned with, such as dealing with family conflict. Abby’s family and step-family were supportive, but they all had different ideas about what should happen, and sometimes emotions ran high.

But together, Abby and Mel have seen Isabella grow into a healthy and happy little girl. With Mel’s support, Abby learned to bathe Isabella, put her to bed, how to wean her and keep her safe at all times.

Abby has learned to cook healthily to set a good example to Isabella – to the extent that Abby has lost five stone and won “slimmer of the year” award in her local group!

Abby had so much expectation placed on her and has come through the challenge with tremendous courage and determination. As Abby said, she and Isabella are part of the family now. Just before Christmas, the child protection order was lifted, which means they will stay together as a family.